I was thinking last night that I am going to write this blog differently than I did pixie pies secrets. Before I liked to write with pure emotion…I shared my most joyful moments and also my most painful. I don’t think that will change- I still want and need the outlet that writing provides me. I still hope for the feedback that I always received from my friends and readers but this time- with this blog I am just going to write. About whatever if it is bdsm stuff that’s fine…if its life good and bad..well, I want to write about that too. I do better than way. I like that.
I was also tempted to take off the comment feature on this blog. I found myself paying too much attention to them previously. It wasn’t the feedback part or even the criticism I sometimes received for my feelings and choices but the people who turned hateful and so judgemental. I think we all just live and we do what we can however we can to get what we need and to find happiness. We don’t all find it packaged the same way and when we do it certainly may not look like the happiness you thought you wanted. I want to write for an audience but I also must never forget that I write for myself. To thine own self be true….has never been more true. I am going to remember that now more than ever.
I spent a lot of time looking through the window of other people’s lives and finding my own not as wonderful and not as fascinating. I don’t do that anymore. Life has a way of teaching you lessons. Some times they are bright red and hit you square on top of the head and other times they are as small and as quiet as a tear. Often those are the biggest lessons. I have a good life- I guess I always have and in many ways I always knew that. I am in a place in my life where I feel happiness all on its own. It is a real emotion to me as is passion and love and an acceptance of myself. Love doesn’t require pain….and passion can stand alone too. How nice it is to look at my need and desire for sadistic experiences…for the roughness and raw pleasure of true submission as a gift I allow myself and not as a burden that I need to fulfill. I have changed a lot. I have learned a lot and my how that colors everything…..
I hope all of that will be reflected here. I hope I can communicate goodness and realness even while describing what some may see has brutal and sadistic acts. I hope this blog is a good thing for me. I’ve missed it. I made the choice to not continue pixie pies secrets because I realized it felt tainted….there was so much pain there. Emotional pain and loss and regret…..and every time I went to post I couldn’t move past it. I couldn’t wipe that bad out-of-the-way. Now it’s different. My mind has shifted it seems into a new place. A corner perhaps has finally been turned. I was told that would happen gradually it would change. I look back and even the bad can be seen as growing and learning. I can take all of these new and wonderful things that have been given to me and enjoy them. I am past the place of thinking I am not deserving of happiness….and I am past the place of thinking my happiness needs to be wrapped up in someone else’s acceptance and approval of me. It’s gone. I feel as if emotionally I am back to where I was when I first discovered I was submissive. It was pure then….it was untainted and good. I remember those first experiences and recognize aspects of them in what I do today. I like this. I like not waiting for the second foot to drop. I like living and not waiting for everything to be pulled out from beneath me. But most of all I love being loved. Truly loved with no constraints it has been like medicine and I can’t get enough of it.